Adjusting

Anyone who knows me at all knows about my lists; I write them for everything. My night-stand is littered with pink post-it notes, most of which are old lists, some of which are current and of the utmost importance. I have a sheet of paper taped to my refrigerator in case I'm in the kitchen at the exact moment the urge to put something into writing strikes me. I have four pads of sticky notes (in various colors and sizes), a calender, a notebook, and a planner all scattered meticulously around my desk. In my purse there is a travel sized notebook; every bag, box, small compartment, or pocket I own is armed with a notepad of some sort, all of which are filled with lists. For the sake of never being without the really important lists I write them in multiple sources and make sure they reside in the most convenient and frequented places so that no matter where I am I won't have to live with the fear of finding myself listless.

I make packing lists, grocery lists, lists of the books I've read, lists of the things I want to do before I die, lists of my favorite songs, lists of my favorite quotes, lists of the places I want to go, lists of the things I need to do. I keep lists of phone numbers, birthdays, addresses, and e-mail contacts. I am completely convinced that my life without these numerous and constant reminders would simply cease to operate. I would become some lost soul in a deep, dark forest - fumbling around trying to find my way, only to stumble into tree after tree, trip over small shrubbery, scare small animals away, and attract the carnivorous nature of the larger predators lurking in the surrounding blackness. If only I had carried with me the list explicitly instructing that I not leave home without my flash light and the one with a detailed explanation regarding escaping the twisted vines of my over grown and under pruned mind - I would not be facing the battle in the dark, but would be fighting it with efficiency and confidence.

Thailand is not so concerned with the order, highly planned, and plotted nature in which I live my life. It is a country which runs an hour late (if not significantly more) and operates on a whim with little thought as to its next move. Peace Corps strongly suggests that volunteers use their blogs, or personal web pages to positively express the experiences they are having so as not to offend their counterparts and nationals with whom they work. My time here has been filled with an abundance of blessings, and for that I am nothing but thankful; however, my life thus far at site has not been the smooth, comfortable experience I was afforded when living amongst the familiarity of the other volunteers and the loving companionship of my host family. I am determined to make this work and find something to appreciate in everyday here - but the adjustment in the last two months has been far from easy and leaving this out of the entries I send your way feels like a lie.

As I mentioned before, I am a planner. I love that my days are filled with structure and predictability. That is not to say that I am without love for adventure and spontaneity, but breezy decisions do not come naturally to me and living a life which depends on the unplanned and whimsical nature of those surrounding me is a challenge.

During my training a current Peace Corps Volunteer came and discussed classroom management with us and her experiences working in a Thai Classroom. She was a strong advocate for spending the first week, or two, simply observing the counterparts and students in order to gauge ability levels and successful starting points. I thought this was a particularly good idea, as it allowed me the opportunity to sit tight and make a list of each counterpart's strengths and weaknesses, the students' ability levels, and the methodologies I would like to implement. This was a grave mistake and it set the tone that I would not be an active participant and major contributor to the lessons, and since I have met nothing but resistance when attempting to assert myself as an authority on child-centered teaching techniques. I have been relegated to master student wathcer and occasional word pronouncer.

For weeks I struggled with these issues; there was a constant nagging that was tugging at my heart saying, "Abby, you are wasting your time . . . Is this really worth it for the next two years of your life? Is this something you are going to go home proud of?" Right now my answer is no and still I will not throw in the towel.

When I signed up to be here; when I packed my bags and dragged them and my family to the airport; when I tearfully embraced my Dad as he whispered words of encouragement and praise in my ear; when my Mom enveloped me in the kind of hug only she can give and I knew it would be months, perhaps years before I saw my best friend again; when I peeled myself from Alberto's arms and felt all the pain of a broken heart I did it because I believe in the transformative power and awe inspiring strength of education. I was lifted off the ground by the strength of my 6 foot tall brothers arms and crunched in love, I looked back and held on to the sight of Shawna's car until it was gone because teaching is a responsibility that I don't take lightly and there was teaching to be done.

I came here with very little actual teaching experience (something I can still claim) but with all the idealism and ideas a person of my slight stature has the capacity to offer. I'm neurotic, I make lists, I plan, I'm intense, I get things done and I was ready to put all of this passion and energy to good use. I left with a fairly structured and strong educational philosophy and while I have yet to put a lot of it to use I am here shaping what I thought was a perfectly complete statement of my intentions as a teacher every single day, and that is work enough.

Being given the gift of a captive audience everyday is one of the many special things about a career in education. Students in Thailand are just that, though their captivation seems to be only minimally considered and their time even less valued. Going to school here is simply nothing like the education our lucky American students have the privileged to receive. Teachers here believe that classroom management consists of hitting students and then are awe struck when their first instincts for conflict resolution are to resort to physical abuse of their peers. In the middle of class it is no strange event for the teacher to take a phone call and remain on the line for a significant portion of the period; this is a good day because they are at least present. There are uncountable days in which Thai students are left unsupervised and untaught, giving them the message that they are not important enough for some one's undivided attention for one hour of the day. It breaks my heart and only furthers my conviction that I was sent here for good reason. I was sent here because blatant favoritism and sexism do not have a place in any productive or positive environment. I was sent here because I can offer less humiliating and more successful alternatives than corporal punishment for classroom management. I was sent here because I believe so strongly in all of these things that I will not be stopped until they are achieved.

I am not an ELA teacher and still I have the tools to help my counterparts. A very wise man once told me (I believe it was the first day of my student teaching) that the best teachers teach the students first and the content second. I live with the truth of those words everyday. My job here is to take two teachers and show them what it means to plan, to actually take the time to plan for their students, to create lessons and materials that not only relate to their lives but inspire them to find what makes them excited and passionate and to encourage them to pursue those things, to help them include every student every day, to make them see the necessity for valuing student's time, and making them feel important. My charge here is to take my two counterparts and make them see the potential they have to give their students the tools to reach the highest of their capacities in order to change their communities, provinces, country, maybe even something significant in the world. This is not an easy job and so far I have had little success, but I blame that mostly on the fact that I, until about two days ago, was unable to see the big picture or to actually define the function of my time in Thailand.

Tonight I feel motivated because I don't have to change the entire educational system of this country. It is silly to think a single person in two small years could do such a thing. I am here to help two teachers change their ideas of what it means to provide a quality education to their students and in turn I have been given the gift of effecting hundreds if not thousands of Thai children. That is something I can come home and be proud of.

The cultural adjustments have been hard and are still something I struggle with every single day. Feeling like I am sitting in this intensely hot country wasting away is disheartening and frustrating. Knowing that it is only a matter of time before I hit the right never, say the right thing, or play the right card and really start to make some improvements is motivating. Understanding how rewarding my potential success might be is enough to keep my clothes in the closet and my books on the shelves. I have only two years and a lot of work to do, but when I leave a legacy of lists will remain.